Is it just coincidence or is our angel talking to us?

I am a big believer in life after death, I have been since I was a little girl through my own personal experiences, I think when someone close to you passes away you just have hope to have some kind of sign from them to let you know they are ok, but at the same time you do not want to drive yourself mad looking for it and be disappointed if you don’t see or hear from your loved one.

I am open about what I believe in and accept everyone has their own opinions about this topic but I wanted to write about this as I feel many people who has suffered loss always wonders if their loved ones are around them and some may even crave for some kind of sign which is exactly how I feel.

Only last week myself and Kevin were in our local Smyths store starting our Christmas shopping, we don’t get to do too many things with just ourselves as we are always busy so it was nice to have some quality time with just the two of us, as we waited in the queue with our hands full of prezzies I noticed this little girl skipping past me with long dark hair she was stunning, my heart melted and just smiled to myself trying to keep it together in front of Kevin and of course everyone else around me, it was when I heard her mother call her name ‘Isabella’.... I literally lost my breath from the pure shock of hearing her name, I looked directly at Kevin and his face just turn pure white, I wanted to drop everything and run, I could not believe it out of all the names we hear hers, I have never heard her name before as it is unusual which is why we choose it, why did we hear it, how was it that out of all of the places in the shop she said her name right in front of us, we walked out and tears were just pouring down my face feeling the pain of emptiness and realizing that we should be shopping for our 2 children and not one.

 As we drove back I thought to myself, what if this was meant to happen but to not upset us but as a message to let us know she is around us always, I suppose it is turning a negative situation into a positive and seeing things in a different light instead of darkness.

 During Isabella’s burial I asked one of my good friends to arrange a white dove to be released, I thought this could be a symbolic sign for her spirit to be released to the heavens above, my heart melted when she walked up towards us with a beautiful white basket, she opened it up and there the dove looked at us and then flew up into the sky, I looked up and noticed the sun breaking through the fluffy clouds as if an opening appeared welcoming our baby girl.

A few days past when Kevin’s brother said that he went to visit her grave and noticed a white butterfly on her cross, as soon as I heard I liked to think it was her letting him know she was still around, that very same week Kevin was in the garden and felt something on his hand, to his amazement it was a white butterfly, as he told me I could see in his face full of hope that it was a sign but I couldn’t help feel the emotion of jealously, why not me? Why as her mother have I not had a sign, I felt maybe I did do something wrong that I didn’t deserve it, but not long after she did said hello or so I like to believe. 

I remember it was the day of Bike Fest in Killarney, one of Kevins good friends arranged for him to have a tattoo to honor our Isabella which meant the world to Kevin, I remember I was sitting in the garden looking up in the sky waiting to leave, I looked across the garden and there the white butterfly flew across and over the fence, there it was my little sign, a tear ran down my cheek knowing in my heart she was letting me know she was around, that very same day my Nan called to check up on me I remember her words as clear as day, she said ‘ I am sitting here in the sun in my garden and I saw a beautiful white butterfly just came out of nowhere and flew right in front of me and it reminded me of our Isabella’  the phone went quite as I tried to process what my Nan just said to me, did I tell her? No I didn’t, out of anything that could have happened as a sign it was linked to a white butterfly, I then explained to her what has been happening and she said that it sounded like she wanted us to know she is always around.

I know this may sound out there, but isn’t it lovely to think something like this is symbolic, what is the harm in thinking this way? There is no harm in thinking or presuming this being linked but you would have to question is this just a coincidence? or is our little angel talking to us in her own little way, letting us know that she is still around us....well, I like to think it’s her, if you have a loved one and notice a sign, do not just ignore it and think you are just over thinking it, you should embrace it, believe it is a message from above saying hello, they are ok and they will always be around you..

Mother to an angel xx

A brother’s love for his dying sister – how to explain the inevitable to siblings

Many people have asked me, how we handled our son Keelan when the doctors told us about Isabella, and the answer I always give is we were honest with him from the start.

I suppose the hardest part was knowing that Keelan already said hello to his sister and that we told him already that his sister was coming home that Friday, he was so excited becoming a big brother, I remember sitting on the bed with Keelan after he saw Isabella with his dad when the doctor and nurse came into the ward and asked to see myself and Kevin in a private room, my heart sank as I knew there was something serious wrong by the look on their faces, I looked at Keelan and he had the biggest smile on his face not knowing what was happening,  that is what gets to me more about her heart condition not being picked up, our son had to suffer the rollercoaster ride of emotion, something no sibling should ever go through.

After we were told that she appeared to have complications with her heart and that she was being sent to Crumlin, we were in a state of shock, how could our precious baby girl who looked  perfect and healthy have something wrong with her? How serious is this? Is this life threatening? How are we meant to go out of this room and explain to our son what is going on? Is he going to understand? All of these questions were running around in our heads, I wanted to go with her in the ambulance but I was not aloud after surgery, Kevin had to go up alone in case paper work had to be signed but I don’t want him to be alone and I don’t want my baby girl to not have her mum next to her. You simply cannot process anything, all I knew is that I had to be truthful to Keelan, he is 7 yrs old and has a good understanding about life itself, I strongly believe as it was his sister he had the right to know the truth, if I tried to sugar coat this it would be so much harder for him to process if anything was to happen which at the time I would of never dreamed of.

We sat Keelan down and I said that the doctors have found that Isabella’s heart is very sick and they are going to send her to a very special hospital in Dublin where they are going to do everything they can to make her better, but there maybe a chance she may fly with the angels. It took all my strength not to collapse on the floor in front of my son, but if I looked strong, he will be strong, he replied and said ‘ok mummy, I will say a little prayer for my sister to get better so we can bring her home. As I stayed in Kerry hospital for the next two days I spent as much time as possible with him as I knew once I get to Dublin I wouldn’t know when I would be back down, the night before I left my mum brought him down and I asked for her to go back to my house to collect more stuff and to leave Keelan with me, that was quality time we needed and time which became so important to ensure that he understood what was going on.

I remember months prior to having Isabella my granddad (Keelan’s great granddad) was very ill with cancer, I knew I had to prepare Keelan for the inevitable, we visited him in the hospital but once he really started to deteriorate I didn’t have the heart for Keelan to see him anymore, I wanted him to remember him looking well and able to crack his jokes as always. To prepare Keelan I got him a book about life and death so he would have a greater understanding for the sad time that I knew was upon us, this really did help him, however I never knew that this would be of use to help him through losing his baby sister.

As I was in Crumlin Isabella’s condition is looking more serious but we had yet to find out what was going on, until we had our meeting with her doctors and was told that there was nothing they can do. Our hearts broke into a million pieces; Kevin looked at me with despair and said ‘how are we going to tell Keelan’ I said ‘the truth’. At first Kevin was hesitant to let Keelan come up but I said we must give him a choice, he will never get a second chance to say goodbye. I remember being at Kevin’s brother house Micheal who is Isabella’s godfather, he lived down the road from Crumlin so we were staying with him, he looked after us through our entire journey, he sat us down in the living room and then we made the phone call, we had him on speaker phone both trembling with immense sadness and fear in how we are going to tell our son what is going on and how is he going to react. Kevin talked first then paused, he couldn’t go on, I took over and started to explain, I told Keelan that the doctors could not fix Isabella’s heart because it was too sick and that she will be flying with the angels soon, the phone went quiet, I continued and said that we are giving him a choice if he would like to come up and say goodbye or if he wanted to stay at home? He replied that he wanted to be the best big brother and say goodbye to his sister, we was incredibly proud of him as we knew that this was no easy decision to make for a 7 year old.

Keelan came up on the Friday with all of the family, amazingly Isabella gave us precious time so that Keelan had a chance to say hello again and give her cuddles and kisses before she grew her wings. She was christened at 4pm and we had a private photographer from NILMDTS to take photos of her later that evening in her final hours with us, photos of Keelan holding her, and our little family altogether which will forever be cherished, making those memories that will now last a lifetime.

Isabella passed away early Saturday morning on my chest, we brought her down to Kerry for her burial that same day, we brought her down to Kevin’s dad house in Killorglin, so many people were there wanted to pay their respects, Keelan wanted to help his dad place her in her little pink casket, something that I would never expect for him to do but he wanted to, a sense of a duty being her older brother. She layed there just looking like she was sleeping, so beautiful and at peace, that was when it finally sunk in what had happened, myself, Kevin and Keelan broke down together holding each other so tight, a bond that will never brake. We did choose for Keelan  not to attend Isabella’s burial as he had already been through so much at this stage we felt that he said his goodbye’s and now it was our turn to say goodbye.

Kevin walked out of his dad’s house holding little Isabella’s casket so tight in his arms, while I walked behind him, the sun shining down on us, the clouds were so fluffy in the sky, the river was sparkling and so many swans gathered around the water’s edge, now it was time for us to say goodbye to our darling Isabella.

I wanted to share this as I feel it is so important to see from personal experiences how we as parents dealt with a situation that was thrown to us, everybody has their own ways in parenting, but I just wanted to show that being truthful to our children is the best way for them to learn about life and death and how they begin to process this in their own way. We all want to protect our children from pain and never want to see them cry, but I think if we tell them nothing bad is going to happen and it does, it could create a full sense of confusion and leave them thinking negative thoughts about every situation they are told 'everything is ok, and you don’t need to worry’ but if you sew the seed of maybe this could happen but they are in the best care possible, this not only tells the truth but also adds a percentage of preparing for the worse. This can be relating to any family member, friend of family or even the families pet.

I like to say ‘preparation is key’ and it is especially for siblings in circumstances like ours, this is why our campaign is so important to get through to the Minister for Health that if Isabella’s heart condition was picked up, and knowing that she could not of been saved we could of prepared Keelan for the worse, however because the resources are not available to us within the hospital our son said hello to his healthily sister then days later goodbye, if that is not confusing I do not know what is and all because our health system failed us. We know our Isabella could not have been saved, however we want to save any other parents from the heart break of what we have gone through.

Mother & brother to an angel xoxox