Equal access to standardized ultrasound services to be implemented throughout all maternity units

I am delighted to announce that since our campaign started for the right of all expectant mothers to be given routine detailed screening, we are finally seeing progress made. Minister for Health Simon Harris emailed me today confirming that the HSE National Service Plan 2016 committed to the planning and development of equitable access to antenatal anomaly screening throughout all maternity units in the context of emerging maternity networks.

In addition, the National Maternity Strategy is now clear that all women must and will have equal access to standardized ultrasound services. This strategy will be implemented on a phased basis over the coming years which will be led by the National Women & Infants Health Programme.

The newly appointed Director will be meeting with me in due course to discuss the strategy going forward, in this meeting I will be also highlighting the after care service for families who suffer loss of their baby, which through our own experience is seriously neglected.

Words cannot describe how we are feeling now, from such a dark and sad time in our lives our beautiful daughter shed some light from heaven, I knew in my heart she was sent here for a reason, I am so proud of our angel. Our campaign was never darkened around negativity, through our experience we saw a fault in the health care of maternity services and in our daughters memory we simply did not want anyone else to go through what we and many other families have gone through. I have always said that we wanted to work alongside the HSE and not against it and now they have started to implement a plan for all expectant mothers to receive routine anomaly screening nationwide so if anything has been detected proper procedures can be put in place before birth giving all babies a fighting chance.

I am blown away from all the support we have received since Isabella was born and when she grew her wings, I am so proud to be her mum, she is around us always and throughout our campaign this miracle has just proved it.

I will keep you all updated on further progress as this is only the beginning. 

Mother to an angel 

xoxox

The months after is when you need support the most

I know it has been a while since my last post, but I don’t want to just write every week, this is a real life journey and I only write when I feel it is the right time to share  my recent experiences I’ve had while living life after great loss.

Everyday life since losing Isabella has changed, small things you don’t notice during your daily routines all of a sudden becomes a big deal, at one point I felt every time I left the house all I would see is babies and baby stuff everywhere; my anxiety grew so much I just wanted to stay at home all the time, my house became my sanctuary for me, my haven, my own space to lock myself away from society, I would always say to myself, ‘how and when will I start to cope’.

(In recent months i’ve found grief is truly like the ocean, it comes in waves and sometimes can consume you when you least expect it, don’t fight your emotions, roll with them like those waves, the more you fight and hold back the worse you will feel to which point you may sink into the deep dark obis of depression.)

I wake up every day to my routines of life itself, then all of a sudden it just hits me that I lost my daughter and will never be able to hold her in my arms again, it really does consume me at different times of the day but I am still learning to remind myself of the fact we had the chance to look into her beautiful eyes, while she stared right back at us knowing that she was loved unconditionally, these thoughts are what keeps me looking forward.

The support we had after Isabella was born and when she grew her wings was just amazing, our close friends and family helped organise her burial and really showed so much love and light during a time of such darkness. The following weeks we had people calling to our house on a daily basis which kept us going but looking back now I can see that it hadn’t sunk in still, we were numb, in shock, I knew what had happened but I hadn’t processed the fact that we have lost our baby girl. I do think that if it wasn’t for Keelan I could have sunk much lower, but this is a point you feel you’re at a cross roads and must try your best to continue on and learn to live your life after such a loss. I remember so clearly waking up the following morning after our final goodbye, the sun was shining so bright through our curtains, we just laid there in silence, in a state of shock not knowing what to do with ourselves, the door bell rang constantly by people calling to us, and at the time I just wanted to be left alone, but I got up as I did not want to look weak and then dived into washing all our clothes from Dublin, I washed the same clothes 2 or 3 times just to keep myself busy, as crazy as it sounds thinking about it now I just wanted to feel human again, I was trying to imagine that I would be doing this if she was still there and asleep in her mosses basket, I just wanted to feel like a mother to a new born baby while trying to block out the pain in case I fell apart even though inside I was broken, empty and felt useless.

I have come to the realization that support is needed more than ever months after losing a loved one, most people would presume as months have passed you start to learn how to cope, as they say ‘time is a great healer’ which it is very true however, emotions would start to sink in during the later stages of grief, when your days quieter down and people stop calling as much, this is when you have more time to think to yourself about what has happened, this is the crucial time you will need support.

I am so thankful for my group of close friends who have been travelling this journey alongside me, who knows when I am having a bad day or week, who would call for a cup of tea to talk about everything and listen to me, or just sit there in silence with me just so I feel their company there with me, letting me know I am not alone. I feel it is very important to share this if you know someone who is currently grieving that support is very much needed when months have passed, whether it’s a call, a text or just passing through for tea anything just to show that someone is still thinking of you would mean the absolute world, I know this because it means everything to me and has helped me get through the dark days.

If you are the one going through the pain of loss you must keep talking and if you need someone to listen to you, you must pick up your phone or call to your friends or families house because talking is key to a healthy mind, remember it’s not getting over something like this it is learning to cope with it, this is what I have learned so far and still have so much to come. 

Thank you to my friends and family xoxox

Isabella's CHD Awareness & Pregnancy Screening Campaign Video ~ Please share

I created this video to help promote our campaign for all women in Ireland to be entitled to a
 ' free routine 20 week scan'.

When our beautiful baby Isabella was born we were told everything was fine until a few hours passed and she had to be rushed to Dublin finding out that she had Hypo-plastic Left Heart Syndrome along with many other complications with her heart, they could not offer her surgery and so she grew her wings 5 days later. 

Isabella's fate could not have been changed however if it could have been different and she could have had surgery she could of well passed away upon birth as her heart condition was not picked up as this simple scan is not offered to all expectant women in Ireland. 

We do not want any other parent to go through the journey we have and are still going through.

We are waiting for Minister of Health Simon Harris to listen to our story and hopefully together make some change for our future babies of Ireland.

Please share, thank you 

Mother to an angel xx

Is it just coincidence or is our angel talking to us?

I am a big believer in life after death, I have been since I was a little girl through my own personal experiences, I think when someone close to you passes away you just have hope to have some kind of sign from them to let you know they are ok, but at the same time you do not want to drive yourself mad looking for it and be disappointed if you don’t see or hear from your loved one.

I am open about what I believe in and accept everyone has their own opinions about this topic but I wanted to write about this as I feel many people who has suffered loss always wonders if their loved ones are around them and some may even crave for some kind of sign which is exactly how I feel.

Only last week myself and Kevin were in our local Smyths store starting our Christmas shopping, we don’t get to do too many things with just ourselves as we are always busy so it was nice to have some quality time with just the two of us, as we waited in the queue with our hands full of prezzies I noticed this little girl skipping past me with long dark hair she was stunning, my heart melted and just smiled to myself trying to keep it together in front of Kevin and of course everyone else around me, it was when I heard her mother call her name ‘Isabella’.... I literally lost my breath from the pure shock of hearing her name, I looked directly at Kevin and his face just turn pure white, I wanted to drop everything and run, I could not believe it out of all the names we hear hers, I have never heard her name before as it is unusual which is why we choose it, why did we hear it, how was it that out of all of the places in the shop she said her name right in front of us, we walked out and tears were just pouring down my face feeling the pain of emptiness and realizing that we should be shopping for our 2 children and not one.

 As we drove back I thought to myself, what if this was meant to happen but to not upset us but as a message to let us know she is around us always, I suppose it is turning a negative situation into a positive and seeing things in a different light instead of darkness.

 During Isabella’s burial I asked one of my good friends to arrange a white dove to be released, I thought this could be a symbolic sign for her spirit to be released to the heavens above, my heart melted when she walked up towards us with a beautiful white basket, she opened it up and there the dove looked at us and then flew up into the sky, I looked up and noticed the sun breaking through the fluffy clouds as if an opening appeared welcoming our baby girl.

A few days past when Kevin’s brother said that he went to visit her grave and noticed a white butterfly on her cross, as soon as I heard I liked to think it was her letting him know she was still around, that very same week Kevin was in the garden and felt something on his hand, to his amazement it was a white butterfly, as he told me I could see in his face full of hope that it was a sign but I couldn’t help feel the emotion of jealously, why not me? Why as her mother have I not had a sign, I felt maybe I did do something wrong that I didn’t deserve it, but not long after she did said hello or so I like to believe. 

I remember it was the day of Bike Fest in Killarney, one of Kevins good friends arranged for him to have a tattoo to honor our Isabella which meant the world to Kevin, I remember I was sitting in the garden looking up in the sky waiting to leave, I looked across the garden and there the white butterfly flew across and over the fence, there it was my little sign, a tear ran down my cheek knowing in my heart she was letting me know she was around, that very same day my Nan called to check up on me I remember her words as clear as day, she said ‘ I am sitting here in the sun in my garden and I saw a beautiful white butterfly just came out of nowhere and flew right in front of me and it reminded me of our Isabella’  the phone went quite as I tried to process what my Nan just said to me, did I tell her? No I didn’t, out of anything that could have happened as a sign it was linked to a white butterfly, I then explained to her what has been happening and she said that it sounded like she wanted us to know she is always around.

I know this may sound out there, but isn’t it lovely to think something like this is symbolic, what is the harm in thinking this way? There is no harm in thinking or presuming this being linked but you would have to question is this just a coincidence? or is our little angel talking to us in her own little way, letting us know that she is still around us....well, I like to think it’s her, if you have a loved one and notice a sign, do not just ignore it and think you are just over thinking it, you should embrace it, believe it is a message from above saying hello, they are ok and they will always be around you..

Mother to an angel xx

The journey of a grieving mother

 

‘I am sorry but there is nothing we can do to save your daughter’ these are the words that constantly replay around in my head, visions of me holding her with her big beautiful eyes, remembering every single expression she done while here on earth, from the small lines on her forehead as she looked up at me, to her perfectly shaped little mouth that I used to stroke ever so gently. No one can comprehend the loss of your own child unless they have walked the same path, from witnessing her last breath and yet feeling totally helpless as a parent to save her, something that was my duty, a duty to protect a duty that goes beyond anything else, a duty I feel as a mother failed to do.

Since we found out we were expecting, I made sure that everything I was eating and drinking would benefit our baby, I didn’t smoke or drink, I ate more veg, fruit, salad and drank as much water as I could, I stayed at home most of the time but I was happy, happy to ensure that our baby was safe and everything was going to be perfect.

The day we travelled back to Kerry was the same day we laid our daughter to rest, that very same evening we walked into our house, I remember it was quiet, I walked upstairs and there in front of me was the door for her nursery, untouched, everything in place ready for her, I grabbed my stomach and all of a sudden I felt ‘emptiness’, despair, sadness, failure of a mother, I walked into her room, everything was perfectly placed, her cot, changing station, nappies and baby wipes stocked up, even a towel ready by the side for her first wash, I looked down at my hands and nothing was there only drops of my tears. I sat on the floor and cried so hard it hurt, clenching on her blanket so tight, I held it as if she was there, just trying to see if I could feel like how it should be, am I going mad? No, I just could not register that she was gone and I was to never see her again in this life.  I remember the curtains in her room were open, the stars were so bright that night, I walked to the window and felt a wave of calm that she was there with me watching me through the stars.

During her burial I felt I could not let my true emotion out, if I started to cry I was petrified that I would not stop, I would collapse and not get back up, I have this constant feeling that my body had failed my daughter, that it was my fault she is not here today, the least I could of done was be strong for her before she flew with the angles, just like she was strong for us by giving us time.

It has already been 5 months since we welcomed her here and my heart is still so raw, I feel so much fear as time goes on, as my memories of her become slightly more faded, the emptiness has grown even more while I am here at home, I should have lack of sleep, I should be making bottles and have washing so high I don’t know where to start, but as soon as Keelan has gone to school I am left in the house of silence ... I look around and feel deflated, I try and keep myself busy making sure the house is perfect, washing is done but I find myself looking at the time counting down the hours Keelan will be home, to see his smile again, tell me about his day work together on his homework, then its time to make the dinner, Kevin comes home talks about his day I clean up after dinner, chill out then bedtime and repeat all the above. Being at home alday is a constant reminder of someone precious that I do not have, go for a walk I say, it will do me some good, so I do I start to feel positive again, I am walking taking in the fresh air, I then look ahead and see a lady with a pram, my heart races every time, it’s not their fault but in my mind it brings back the constant reminder of my most biggest loss. 

The eagerness of wanting some normality is taking over, I want to get back into work I am ready and so the job search continues sending CV’s and not hearing back makes me feel even more worthless, the recent loss of my granddad who was such a large factor in my life overwhelms me, is my life ever going to give me a break? I know there is always someone else more worse off but this is my feelings, my emotions and my battle as an angel mum which I think many other angel mums could relate too. I envy those people who have their career, see and talk to different people every single day, I am doing everything I can to get back in to some normality but I have to keep reminding myself that things do take time, grief is a process and I am only at the beginning. I have Keelan to think about my son who is my world, so I must try and pick myself up again and so I am starting tonight by going for a long walk, I now want to focus on getting myself fit agian mind and body, i've got to do this, I will do this and any bumps along the way I will jump over them with pure determination.

This is only the beginning of my journey....

Mother to an angel xox

Campaign Update - Letter to Minister for Health

Email sent to Minister for Health Simon Harris regarding our meet request

Sent 5/10/2016

Dear Minister,

Further to the full support from the ‘Southern Regional Health Forum’ I would like to ask for an  opportunity to meet with you and discuss our campaign which highlights just how crucial it would be to have routine detailed screening available to all expectant mothers.

With a routine detailed 20 week scan put in place this will relieve much strain for Crumlin as plans can be put in place prior to the birth. Currently babies who need immediate medical attention must wait for the arrival of an ambulance then they must be transported to Dublin which can take a considerable amount of time, which in most cases they simply do not have.

If a routine detailed 20 week scan was implemented and a diagnosis was made prior to the birth, a surgical plan can be made and the mother would have the opportunity to make arrangements to deliver her baby in Dublin which would also increase the survival rate of the baby. We understand that our daughter could not have been saved, however we are speaking from our own personal experience as we wish no other parent to have to go through what we have gone through, we are also speaking on behalf of the hundreds of parents who have contacted us and bravely shared their stories of babies who did pass away because a diagnosis was not made.

Minister we ask if you could meet with us at your earliest convenience to discuss our campaign further, we hope through our letter to you, you can understand the urgency to address the current screening procedures and hopefully going forward we could have an opportunity to work alongside the HSE.

Thank you for your time, and we look forward to receiving your response.

Kindest regards

Jazmine Sands 

Our Wave of Light for Isabella and all angel babies worldwide

As today is International Babyloss Awareness day, we are taking part in the International Wave of Light this evening. As bereaved parents ourselves we join the many other parents of angels from all over the world in lighting a candle for all our angel babies who have changed our lives forever. Today we honour and remember our babies in heaven and let them know we are thinking of them always. Isabella is our daughter in the sky and we miss her so much, love you Isabella with all our hearts xox 

#isabellaschdawareness#internationalwaveoflight #waveoflight #nilmdtsireland #angelmum #isabella