I know it has been a while since my
last post, but I don’t want to just write every week, this is a real life
journey and I only write when I feel it is the right time to share my recent experiences I’ve had while living
life after great loss.
Everyday life since losing Isabella
has changed, small things you don’t notice during your daily routines all of a
sudden becomes a big deal, at one point I felt every time I left the house all
I would see is babies and baby stuff everywhere; my anxiety grew so much I just
wanted to stay at home all the time, my house became my sanctuary for me, my
haven, my own space to lock myself away from society, I would always say to
myself, ‘how and when will I start to cope’.
(In recent months i’ve found grief is truly like the ocean, it
comes in waves and sometimes can consume you when you least expect it, don’t fight
your emotions, roll with them like those waves, the more you fight and hold
back the worse you will feel to which point you may sink into the deep dark
obis of depression.)
I wake up every
day to my routines of life itself, then all of a sudden it just hits me that I
lost my daughter and will never be able to hold her in my arms again, it really
does consume me at different times of the day but I am still learning to remind
myself of the fact we had the chance to look into her beautiful eyes, while she
stared right back at us knowing that she was loved unconditionally, these
thoughts are what keeps me looking forward.
The support we had after Isabella was born and when she grew her wings was just amazing, our close friends and family helped organise her burial and really showed so much love and light during a time of such darkness. The following weeks we had people calling to our house on a daily basis which kept us going but looking back now I can see that it hadn’t sunk in still, we were numb, in shock, I knew what had happened but I hadn’t processed the fact that we have lost our baby girl. I do think that if it wasn’t for Keelan I could have sunk much lower, but this is a point you feel you’re at a cross roads and must try your best to continue on and learn to live your life after such a loss. I remember so clearly waking up the following morning after our final goodbye, the sun was shining so bright through our curtains, we just laid there in silence, in a state of shock not knowing what to do with ourselves, the door bell rang constantly by people calling to us, and at the time I just wanted to be left alone, but I got up as I did not want to look weak and then dived into washing all our clothes from Dublin, I washed the same clothes 2 or 3 times just to keep myself busy, as crazy as it sounds thinking about it now I just wanted to feel human again, I was trying to imagine that I would be doing this if she was still there and asleep in her mosses basket, I just wanted to feel like a mother to a new born baby while trying to block out the pain in case I fell apart even though inside I was broken, empty and felt useless.
I have come to the realization that
support is needed more than ever months after losing a loved one, most people
would presume as months have passed you start to learn how to cope, as they say ‘time
is a great healer’ which it is very true however, emotions would start to
sink in during the later stages of grief, when your days quieter down and people
stop calling as much, this is when you have more time to think to yourself
about what has happened, this is the crucial time you will need support.
I am so thankful for my group of
close friends who have been travelling this journey alongside me, who knows
when I am having a bad day or week, who would call for a cup of tea to talk
about everything and listen to me, or just sit there in silence with me just so
I feel their company there with me, letting me know I am not alone. I feel it is very important to share this if
you know someone who is currently grieving that support is very much needed when
months have passed, whether it’s a call, a text or just passing through for tea
anything just to show that someone is still thinking of you would mean the absolute
world, I know this because it means everything to me and has helped me get
through the dark days.
If you are the one going through the
pain of loss you must keep talking and if you need someone to listen to you,
you must pick up your phone or call to your friends or families house because
talking is key to a healthy mind, remember it’s not getting over something like
this it is learning to cope with it, this is what I have learned so far and still have so much to come.
Thank you to my friends and family
xoxox
